why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
