new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
