Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
