Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
