I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
