none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
