Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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