im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
