just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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