Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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