Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
