yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
