I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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