2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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