I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
