i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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