Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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