There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
