smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
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I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
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I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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