So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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