1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
