Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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