I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
