Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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