I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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