I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
