Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
