I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
