I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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