you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
