I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize