it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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