Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
