forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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