If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Everything about him screamed your future.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
