When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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