i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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