I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
