I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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