I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
