You really coming over, don't trick.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
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I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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