oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
