he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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