420 ftw
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
