i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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