you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i used baking grease as lip gloss
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
