I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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