the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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