Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
