dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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