I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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