do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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