oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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