my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
