I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
