I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
