I'm going to jail i love you
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume